General Malaise

Today is my 27th birthday.

What the fuck.

I suppose I feel okay (do I?) about where I am in life, starting a new law job next week, liking Atlanta and living near my family and some good friends. So why am I so freaked out? I go to great lengths to avoid stress and stressful situations, but they have been following me around recently. With work, girls, and even regular social commitments. I still don't feel remotely grown up, but I remember ten years ago when I heard someone say they were older than 25 ("you're twenty-seven???") I just assumed they had stuff figured out. You know, I just figured people in their mid-late twenties are, well, adults.

I don't have a girlfriend, or any current prospects that especially intrigue me. Sure, I've always been too picky, and my confidence comes and goes, but that was always okay because I was so young. 27 - not so young any more. The truth is I'm actually not ready to settle down and even live with a girl, let alone get married, or *gasp* have kids, but within a few years I actually think I will be. And now that I am starting a 9-6 job and commuting 35 minutes each way, I question how many opportunities I will have to meet new women. I also question whether I will ever meet a girl in Atlanta that really floats my boat. Dating is a little bit fun but also depressing -I want a girl who provides excitement and a little mystery - recently I've been seeing girls who are pretty transparently just looking for any guy who can provide stability. This alarms and saddens me. One thing I've realized is that I definitely enjoy dating younger girls - 22, 23. Old enough to be mature and kind of know what to look for, but young enough not to be jaded or panicky about finding love.

I feel a little bit lame for staying in on my birthday, especially since it's a Friday night. If anyone really pressured me to go out, I would. But all day I have been feeling a total lack of energy and general malaise. I always question my "traditions" on days like my birthday and New Years - am I really starting my 27th year on Earth off by smoking bongs by myself and watching sitcoms? Yes, I am. I have been smoking more pot than usual recently, as some sort of comfort mechanism - it makes things feel a little less real. But shit is getting real, whether I like it or not. I am grateful and lucky to have the support of wonderful friends and family both nearby and afar. This doesn't change the fact that getting old sucks. I feel an urgent need to build more memories over the next couple of years, and do my best to record them so I can remember them when I am actually old. This has neither been absurd or funny, sorry. Just some generic-as-fuck thoughts about being one year older and none the wiser.