Swagstone Ltd.

Here by way of over-explanation is my idea for a sick new (fake) company called Swagstone™. Basically it's the coolest motherfuckin' joint you ever seen, kid. Swagstone™ is just a bunch of swagged out, big-dicked landscapers the like of which the blessed Earth has never seen, and will hopefully never see again. For a hefty fee that few people can afford, they will come to your house, bring "bitches" with them, drink your alcohol, ash their filthy blunts all over your house, invite their rude and dangerous friends, throw a party, and also haphazardly lay random flat stones (which they steal from various quarries under the cover of darkness) in your yard.

THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT: 

Call Swagstone™Today. Why wait, unless you a bitch? Swagstone be basically the most big-balled, hossed out party joint this side of da Mississip', ya heard? We be flossin’ so hard all up in yo grill just settin a playa up, dig? We got primo flagstone, call it swagstone (cuz a playa can’t swag without Swagstone™), and lay it ALL up in your yard, see? And at Swagstone™ yard work ain’t gotta be no chore. We bring hot bitches—to your exact specifications, of course—to help us swag out on a playa. Tiki torches, brews, Cristal—you name it, we bring it. Also stereos and da freshest jams to make a playa wild out, son. Just a crazy party up in your crib while 10 or so strappin’-ass brothers hall in some Swagstone™ and lay a path around your yard, so you can be goose-stepping like a champ from the garden, to the bird bath, to the herb garden, et cetera. Hallowed be thy name—Swagstone™.

(Swagstone™ makes no guarantee as to the quality of it’s flagstone, nor guarantees that its stones are “flagstone,” per se. We reserve da right to use sandstone, feldspar, and assorted sedimentary rocks so you can holla at your geology knowledge and expand your dome, son!)